28 Weeks?!

Sometimes I feel like I've been dreaming this all. I'm not a pregnant human, I'm actually a pregnant elephant whose gestational period is 22 months. There's no way this has only been 28 weeks of my life. I'm handling the bed rest ok, it's the constant up and down of my status that makes this drag on. My stitch, the thing that was gonna hold it all together, slipped out. What? I had such confidence in this thin piece of string. It didn't hurt, I didn't bleed, I didn't know it happened - which my high risk OB has only seen happen a couple of times in his long career. I'm So Proud to be the third added to his list. So last night as I was sitting in the hospital (again), after what was left of the stitch was taken out (THAT I felt), I was thinking. All these failings of my physical body, these failings that were I to live in a different age would leave me childless, are making me stronger.

It wasn't as difficult with Piper. This all happened later in the pregnancy, she was healthy and thrived and I didn't have a little one at home to worry about while I was trying to bring her safely into the world. Well, life with 2 children is different, from the start apparently. This experience is the epitome of motherhood with two children, I would guess. The splitting of my soul without becoming less of a mother to either child. A "two-fer" if you will: Two mom's for one. A cloning of my soul. Or maybe just one soul with 2 gigantic arms. Am I right? I don't know. But I can't help but feel I will be better prepared for motherhood of two when this one gets here than I would be if I didn't have these "incompetencies" (as in "incompetent" cervix - love that term). At least in theory....We'll see. :)

So we will continue on our journey, trying to keep staying positive, but with caution. I'm tired of being let down by my body, honestly. I'm tired of it taking me by surprise. But my little peanut inside of me kicks me now and then to remind me to stop feeling sorry, it'll all be worth it and to remind me that I've overcome my body's failings for 4 big weeks now and I can hang on a little longer.

Nana

I find the struggle of life so bittersweet. My Nana, my Gemini soul mate, who is 84 years old, seems to be done fighting the good fight. And I sit here, unable to go to her, fighting for the life of one not yet with us. There's too much irony here for me to ignore. Nana's body has not yet given up, but her soul has. She has lived an amazing life. Though there were men in her life, she was essentially a single mother of two in a time where that was nearly impossible. She has lived for her children, for the men in her life, for her spirituality, and rarely for herself. She is not yet dying, but it seems as though she is saying "I'm only here for you, not for me." She has every right to say and feel such things. It is not painful for her to do so. She feels this circle is complete and she is ready to move on to the next adventure. And knowing my Nana, an adventure it will be. I can only hope a piece of her will find its way into the soul of the one yet to be born. Because I will miss her dearly and if I could just see a glimpse of her now and then it wouldn't be so bad. Nana knows her journey is complete and we, her family, need to find solace in that. She's done what she was here to do. She has lived her life beautifully, with grace, with humor, with humility and with love. I don't mean for this to be a memorial, because she is not yet gone. But in a way, I guess she is. Pieces of her have been slipping by slowly over the years with the help of Alzheimer's and what is left is only really a glimmer of who she once was. I guess I've been mourning her for some time, now that I think about it. But it never seems natural to do so with someone whose body is still present and who still knows your name. She has passed on a legacy of feminine strength, a wonder of the simple beauty and magic in life, an acceptance of people and life events for who and what they are, a love of a full life without need of material things. She has lived fully. She is loved. She is and will be missed.

26 Weeks!

One more week down! Good news on the OB front. I had a follow-up visit with the high risk OB yesterday and my cervix is longer than it had been from the start (2.5cm compared to 1.8cm in the beginning and 1.1cm the week before). So the surgery was a success. AND I get to sit up. That's right! SIT UP. I do not have to be horizontal all day, I just have to limit time on my feet and activity. I can do that. What? No cleaning, cooking, laundry? Bummer.

While in the hospital on Magnesium Sulfate, feeling miserable I felt a certain sense of DeJaVu. Not just because I was on that awful concoction when I was pregnant with Piper. You see Magnesium Sulfate is a drug that is given by IV to stop contractions. It's very effective. It is a muscle relaxer, but doesn't just relax your uterus. It relaxes your eye muscles so your vision is blurry and you can't keep your eye lids all the way open. It relaxes your smooth muscles so your lungs can't remove gunk, your nose is plugged up, and your bowels all but stop. It makes you nauseous and dehydrates you. It makes you dizzy and you literally feel like your body weighs 500 pounds (and NO I do not actually weigh 500 pounds yet). It's not fun. But it brought back some fun memories. Memories of my college years when I would wake up feeling like that after a night at the bars! Nausea, blurry vision, unable to keep my eyes open, dehydrated and momentarily wanting to die. I had a dream one night in the hospital while on the "Mag" that my mouth was the open end of a cereal box. Those college days were fun. But the fun was had before the misery. This time it's misery first then the sweet reward of a full term healthy babe in my arms. I'll take this time around.

My mom was here for the last week to help. Piper was in heaven. She LOVES her Nana. (I love in this picture how you can see the huge lump of my belly in the foreground!) Having my mom here was such a blessing. I can ask my mom to do all the things I want done that I don't feel comfortable asking anyone else to do. My mom is so wonderful and wise. Not just in the things that she says and does, but in the things she doesn't say or do. Which is why after her being here a week I'm sad to see her go and will miss her. Thanks mom.
A group of our friends have organized a schedule to bring us dinner 4 nights a week. Isn't that amazing?
My sister will be here tomorrow. More fun for Piper and good Sistah time for me.
I'm feeling really good. I am confident this baby will be full term and healthy. I know I can do this, especially now. How could I not with all this support and love. And being able to SIT UP! Good bye heartburn!

25 weeks!

So, things have progressed a bit since my last blog entry! I'm going to use my blog for updates and to keep my sanity because I am now on bed rest - most likely for the duration of the pregnancy. (That would be 12 more weeks.) Here's the update:
On Friday November 2 I went in for my weekly check up of my cervix. My doctor also wanted to start doing a "Fetal Fibronectin" test every 2 weeks starting at 24 weeks. This tests for a protein that is produced before going into labor and can be an indicator of a slightly higher liklihood that I would go into labor in the next 2 weeks. It's not a direct predictor, so they mostly do it because a negative test IS a good indication that you have no higher-than-normal chances of going into labor in the next 2 weeks. In any case, the ultrasound on Friday showed that my cervix had continued to thin but was also dilated to about 1 cm. And the FFN test came out positive. Two scary things at 24 weeks. Put those things together with my history (going into labor at 33 weeks with Piper) and before I knew it I was going to the hospital. Thank God Brooks was with me. When we got to the hospital they monitored my contractions and the baby and started me on a drug to stop labor call Magnesium Sulfate (more on THAT awfulness later). Apparently, even though I was only feeling the occasional contraction I was having them every minute and a half. The drug was doing it's job and stopping/slowing the contractions, but because I am so early in my pregnancy they decided I needed to go to a hospital in Denver. The hospital in Fort Collins can only deal with babies born at 28 weeks and later. That was scary - the idea that this baby could actually be BORN NOW. At 24 weeks.... We pushed that thought from our heads and moved on. I got flown in a flight for life helicoptor to a hospital in Denver Friday night. (Had an awesome view of the sunset over the Rockies!) We had an ultrasound when we got there to check the baby and my cervix and talked to the high risk OB specialist there who recommended a procedure called a cerclage. This is a stitch in the cervix to keep it closed essentially. My doctor had mentioned this possibility earlier, but we had not gotten to the point where it seemed required yet. Eventually the procedure was decided on and sceduled for Sunday. Meanwhile the contractions were staying minimal and the baby was looking good. I under went the cerclage on Sunday, which required a spinal anesthetic and was painless. The procedure went very smoothly and the recovery was minimal. They kept me in the hospital Monday and most of Tues to continue to monitor me and finally sent me home Tuesday, yesterday, afternoon. I am now on bed rest and probably will be on bed rest or at least "modified" bed rest for the duration. But hallelujah I'm HOME. I'm also still on (oral) meds for contractions, but the side effects are minimal. It's actually the drug I was on when I was on bed rest with Piper. So those are the details.
And here we are. Today we are at 25 weeks. Every day, every week that baby stays in my belly is HUGE. I'm feeling good. I feel like everything has gone as well as we could have hoped given the circumstances. I'm grateful I have a cautious doctor who was watching me closely and moved quickly when action needed to be taken. Piper was, of course, well cared for by Grandma and Grandpa. My mom has arrived today and will be here for a week. My sister is then coming to visit. My best friend Kristen is coming to visit, probably in January when time will really feel like it's crawling. It's gonna be ok. I'll survive, and more importantly, this baby is going to make it to at least 37 weeks. I have this vision of having a big healthy baby and taking him or her home with me and I'm stickin to it. I'll continue to update as needed and to vent/keep my sanity on my blog so you all can read it or not. :) But there's the update for now. Keep your fingers crossed!