Dream Girl

This morning Piper was looking at pictures on our screen saver. One of the pictures was me doing "Swing and a Prayer" where you get strapped in to a harness and swing by a steel cable that has been pulled up 35 feet in the air. She said "Is that you flying?"

"yes!" I said.

"Can I fly some day?"

"I know you WILL fly some day Piper."

"Can I wear my tutu when I fly?"

Thank God for my little dreamer.

Happy Birthday Piper!

Wow, 3 years old on August 8. What an amazing age. This girl can actually articulate what she is thinking, and sometimes, what I am thinking. She can dress herself. She can pee and poo on the potty. She can feed herself and even choose what she wants to eat. She has opinions - a lot of them. She has painted finger- and toenails. She laughs at jokes and silly faces. She makes jokes and silly faces to get you to laugh. She can do puzzles. She can write the letter "H". She can sing the alphabet and count to 20. She can color in the lines. She can give the most amazing hugs. She can tell me she loves me. She can tell me where it hurts. She has friends. She IS a HUMAN!!!???

This year, Piper REALLY "got it" - the whole birthday thing. She talked about her princess cake for a whole week leading up to her party. She actually asked for something specific for a birthday present. (Can you guess? A ballerina outfit. And I had actually already purchased a Tutu for her to wear on her birthday - do I know my little girl or what???!) She knew who all was coming to her party (Mackenzie, Mackenzie, Mackenzie, and some other people). She knew they would all bring gifts. She knew they would sing "Happy Birthday" to her. She definitely "gets" birthdays now.

When did my little girl get so big? This birthday is a little bittersweet. The past two birthdays, I have to admit, I sighed a little (just a little) sigh of relief that the year had passed. Now, I feel like I'm holding on with my fingernails to each second I can. I'm sure this is partly due to the presence of little Quinn, who makes me realize how quickly Piper is growing up. It's not that I don't look forward to what's to come - I do. I am just so conscious of the passing of THIS moment. The last three years have happened in the blink of an eye.

This past weekend I went on a spa get-away with my closest gal pals. We went to Miraval in Tuscon AZ. (check it out: http://www.miravalresort.com/ .....AWESOME!) The place is all about "mindfulness". In short, being present in the here and now. Appreciate each moment for the experience that it is, good or bad. One interpretation of this in my everyday life is to be present in these moments with my kids. Piper's 3rd birthday was not about me or any of my hangups or longings for her to slow down the growing-up. It was about Piper, as she is at 3 (see paragraph one). Perfect because she just is who she is. Happy Birthday love bug - you are my sunshine.

Ouch!

I don't think you can know how painful empathy can be until you're a mom. When she stubs her toe -oooh, I just wish I could soak up that pain for her. When she feels disappointed that she had an accident in her pants, I acutely remember the humiliation of my most recent accident (not, actually, that long ago....pregnancy does wonders for your "parts". Actually I think it's the delivery that does you in, but back to Piper......) But when someone else hurts your child's feelings, ouch. THAT really hurts. Like a knife twisting in your gut.

Recently we were at a party with a bunch of kids. These kids were all new to Piper. I was so proud of how she just jumped in to play with them - a brave thing for an almost-three-year-old to do. All the kids were playing nicely when all of a sudden Piper comes running up SOBBING. I was sure she cut a finger off or some other horribly painful circumstance had occurred. Well I was right, but it wasn't physical pain she was feeling. When I finally got her to calm down enough to tell me what was wrong she said, in between sobs, "they-don't-want-to-play-with-me-sob, sob, sob". She was nearly hyperventilating she was so upset. Oh. My. God. I've never felt so much pain. I knew it was just kids being kids. I knew they were all getting along fine and the kids liked Piper. I also knew that SHE didn't know that. She's still figuring out how this friendship thing works. To her, this was the end of the world. And now what? What am I supposed to do to help make this right without over-parenting and yet not have my child scarred for life??? I thought I was getting the hang of this parenting thing when WHAM, and OUCH! I told Piper that I was sure they didn't mean what they said (whatever it was) and that they liked playing with her. I offered to hold her hand and walk back over to the kids with her. Thankfully, my brave little girl agreed. We went back over there and with very little encouragement and a little hesitation, she joined in again. After a couple minutes she stopped looking over to see if I was standing there and she was having fun again. Phew. She's not, yet, ruined for life.

In the past, before I had my own kids, I sympathized with mothers I knew who expressed how painful it was to see your child get hurt. Never did I anticipate how acutely it would hurt me. Remember how it felt when it - rejection in some form or another- happened to you as a kid? Multiply that times 100 and you're getting close.

I never seem to reach the peak of the parent learning curve. It's okay though, I am loving the journey. I've always liked learning.

I remember when I was 12, shortly after we moved to Arizona from Wisconsin (read: CULTURE SHOCK) how I was having a hard time fitting in with the crowd I thought I should be friends with. I was a bit shy and a lot uncertain. The kids were saying I was "stuck-up". I guess that's how I was seen because I was fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. I was so shocked when I heard that and I couldn't figure out how they were interpreting my actions as "stuck-up". All I knew was that it meant I wasn't making friends. My mom and I have always been close and I confided this to her. Her suggestion was that I smile more. My first reaction to her suggestion was something akin to "WTF mom?", but in appropriate 7th grader lingo. "I'm not going to look like a GOOBER walking around with a dumb smile on my face for no reason MOM!" She took it in stride and suggested I keep smiling "on the inside". For some reason this silly, Carol Brady suggestion worked. I had nothing to lose so I "smiled on the inside" like a big-ole goober (on the inside) and people started to turn around. They realized I wasn't stuck-up. They started talking to me and I made friends. Some of whom I have to this day. How'd she know what to say?

I guess at that point in my life, my mom knew me better than anyone else alive. Probably still does to some degree. She felt my pain as acutely as I felt Piper's and she just knew what I needed to hear, the attitude I needed to take, to turn things around for myself. God I hope I can do that for my girls. I hope I can find the words to empower them to find their own solutions, to fix their own mistakes, to make friends out of "enemies", to believe in themselves and love themselves as much as I love them. I think maybe the answers to these sorts of parenting dilemmas aren't in the books (oh crap). Maybe they are in ourselves (oh boy, this is getting deep). They are in our own histories, our own experiences, our own pain. They are in our own successes and failures. I guess I just have to learn to believe in myself, once again. To trust that I'll do my best and hope that most of the time, I'll get it right. These are the most important choices, decisions, actions I've made in my life. Sometimes I believe that all I've learned so far in life, I've learned in preparation for being a mom, my most challenging and rewarding role to date. And if it means my kids are happy, healthy, and that they love and respect themselves, I'll look like a big ole goober any day. Even on the outside.