I have recently heard of the passing of the loved ones of some friends of mine. It is never a good time, but right before the holidays makes it even worse. Kristin and Bryan, I am so sorry.
Of course it brings me back to the passing of my own father that happened over 3 years ago. Speaking briefly with Bryan (there's never much you CAN say) reminded me of feelings I struggled with after my father's death. I think immediately after a loved one passes, it's only natural that some of your first thoughts are of all the things you "should've, could've" done. I was so fortunate to have had some of my father's last moments. I helped him to bed the night before he died. And although I didn't know he would die the next morning, I did know it would be soon. I had a couple of moments to try to express my deep love and admiration for him.
My dad and I always had a kind of complicated relationship. I did have deep admiration and respect for him. I loved him deeply and I was grateful for the sacrifices he made, without question, for his girls. I never felt I gave enough back. I always felt like I held something back from him and I'm still not sure why. But on that last night, I finally understood. I understood that he knew how I felt. He knew.
Maybe that's just what being a parent is. Maybe it's just about knowing. You know your kids love you even when they say they hate you, or worse, are indifferent to you. You know inherently what's best for your kids. You know you will make mistakes and that your kids will forgive you. You know what "unconditional" means.
On that last night my dad said to me "I am the luckiest man". And now, I know. As a parent I know what he meant.
I know you don't have to hear "I love you, I appreciate you, I am grateful" to feel complete. Loving your child, giving your life to your child is enough.
Thank you dad, and mom. Thank you. I love you.
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3 comments:
"Why do people have to die?" "To make life precious." In our darkest moments, we see light that we never saw before - we see the world anew. It changes us. My thoughts and heart to Bryan. I hope that it brings him peace to know that a father worth missing is an honor, and through his grief, eventually, some light will shine. I'm so sorry - my heart and prayers to everyone who misses a loved one this season.
I think that death makes life important.
It reminds us to live our life, our love, our passions and brings weight and importance to each day.
I miss all of the people I have lost, but try to focus on how lucky I am to have known them, and what great moments we shared together.
This really struck me as my own father died 1 1/2 years ago. I'm so sorry to your friends,and to you, Mia. What a difficult time that is, and what a beautifully written tribute to your dad.
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