The Home "Streeeeetch"

Here's a picture of my belly eating my friend Joy's belly. She is 21 weeks in this picture (I'm 33 weeks here) and just starting to get a cute little roundness in her mid-section. Ahhh, those were the days. AND by the way, SHE does NOT have an "incompetent" anything!

To call what is happening to my body "stretching" is, really, not adequate. I was nowhere near this round with Piper. I'm thinking of renting a crane to get me out of bed to go to the bathroom. Granted some of this large feeling could be coming from my now deconditioned bod, but still. A crane would be nice. Too bad my birthday isn't until June....

This morning, I was remembering a moment. A moment that occurred almost 13 weeks ago. Brooks and Piper came with me for my Ultrasound at 21 weeks when we found out my cervix was short. Not much was said in the ultrasound room and I didn't see the doctor until later that afternoon, so we didn't really know what it all meant. But there was this moment as we were leaving. Brooks was taking Piper with him and she wanted me to pick her up before they left. Brooks' eyes met mine over her silky hair. We both knew we had a difficult road ahead. We didn't know exactly what it looked like, but in that look we said to each other "hold on, here we go...". Both of our eyes held fear, sadness, trepidation, but also, our daughter. She was worth anything we went through and we would've gone much further if needed. Turns out she was just a warm up.

We have come so far. almost 10 weeks on bedrest now. Too many trips to the hospital. Too many pokes, prods, drugs, ultrasounds. I am so proud of us that we are where we are. I'll be 34 weeks tomorrow. Piper was born a day before I turned 35 weeks, so this next week will be another huge milestone for us. The end is in sight. I can get up in 2 weeks. It has literally taken a village just to get this babe into the world safely. I hope it doesn't take a metropolis to raise him/her.

I have thanked a lot of people, and my thanks will never do what everyone has done justice. But there is one other soul I need to thank and that is my daughter Piper. Someday, Piper, maybe you'll read this. The joy you bring to my life every day is immeasurable. To think, is it possible to multiply infinity times 2? I'm willing to do whatever it takes to find out. There is a reason you came to our lives first. I know this isn't the only reason you were first, but at this moment, I thank you for this.

She's growing so fast. It is so bittersweet. As she began to understand more and more language and started to be able to use it she always used the word "pwease" for anything affirmative. It was heart melting, so I never corrected it. For example:

Mommy: Piper, would you like milk?

Piper: Pwease.

Mommy: Piper do you like your dress?

Piper: Pwease.

Mommy: Piper, would you like a cookie or a piece of cake?

Piper: Pwease. (that actually may NOT be incorrect usage of the word - I usually opt for both as well.)

Well, as all kids do, she has progressed with her language and now says "yes", "yah", or nods her head instead of saying "pwease" for every affirmative. She's still polite, she just uses it correctly. I'm so sad to see that go, yet proud of her for her new understanding.

We're also working on moving her to a big girl bed. She still continues to choose her crib, and I'm not forcing the issue. In fact part of me is cheering her on. "YES! Stay young, stay a baby, stay dependent, say pwease!". But the bigger me knows, it's gonna happen and it's our job to guide her, not hold her back. And I'm mostly "Big" right now, but just in size. :)

Piper makes me belly laugh almost daily. And the baby in my belly knows it. I can't wait to see them as siblings. No wonder this little peanut is anxious to get here. I'm so excited to meet him/her (and to KNOW if the baby is HIM OR HER!), but I would like to wait another 2-3 weeks, Pwease. :)

For those of you who need/want numbers (I'm one of those, by the way), when I was checked last week I was 2 cm dilated and 80-90% effaced. This week she did not check me, but I measured 32 cm vertically, which is on the SMALL??? side of the normal range for 34 weeks - she says this is because the baby has dropped and is below the pubic bone where they measure from.

Happy New Year!

I'm plagiarizing a bit for my New Year's blog. If you would like to see the original idea, check out my sister's blog: tsays.blogspot.com.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO YOUR 17 YEAR OLD SELF?

What a great idea to think about as a year comes to a close and a new one begins. And possibly something to pass on to my 17 year old children some day. So here it goes:

1: You are the first example of how to love you. Others will follow your lead.

2: One true friend is far more valuable then being liked by everyone.

3: Trust your instincts. You know yourself better than anyone else and when something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

4: KNOW that you ARE pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, funny enough. Because you are who you are and when you are true to that, it's always "enough".

5: Always love family for who they are. Not who you wish they would be. Some day you'll see why they are the way they are and how that has helped to make You who You are - the good, the bad and the ugly.... (and THEY still love YOU!)

6: Travel. Discover more about yourself by going outside of your comfort zone and into other's comfort zones.

7: Leave home. Make your own life. You can always return home.

8: Work during high school and college, even if you don't "have to". You will be much more ready to face the real world if you flip a couple burgers first.

9:Never turn away from an opportunity because it would be "too hard" or because you don't think you could do it. You may fail, but there are things you can only learn by failing. And you may just surprise yourself and then you will know no limits.

10: Never argue about money. You'll never win and you'll ALWAYS end up feeling worse. And as my wise sister once told me, " Money is the one thing you can always get more of." How smart is that?

And here's the OB update: We're at 32 weeks and 3 days. No Christmas baby! YEAH! and no Christmas hospital visits, though I'm sure all our friends at the hospital missed us during the holidays! I can start increasing activity in about 3 weeks (35.5 weeks) and stop taking meds in 5 weeks. I can hardly believe we're that close. The days sometimes go slowly, but overall, time is passing pretty quickly. Please continue with all your positive thoughts and prayers.

Happy New Year to all. Look back with no regrets and look forward with joy and anticipation of all the good that will come to you this year.

Christmas time....

Christmas: a time of peace, Joy, harmony, and......HEY! When did my face get so fat? I remember this from my last pregnancy. You go happily along feeling like it's only your belly that changes then BAM you see a picture and suddenly your face got fat! What else am I in denial about? It does some strange things to your body, this miracle called pregnancy. Out of nowhere you waddle. You no longer even TRY to hold in flatulence. And peeing? Let's just say I get more exercise getting in and out of bed to pee than I really should while on strict "bed rest". Did I mention the Olympic sized feat it is to turn over in bed? It sounds like a cow matting down a nice patch of grass to lie down in, complete with cow-like groaning. Oh, and the pillows it takes to get "comfortable". Thank God we have king sized bed or I think Brooks would find an alternate sleeping situation.

But what I do like is the opportunity to watch this true miracle happen first hand. I've never really felt "fat" while pregnant. I've always had somewhat of a sense of pride in my pregnant body. Not that is ready for Victoria's Secret maternity catalog (no, Vicky's does NOT do maternity). It's just a normal pregnant body. But, that belly, holding all that life...it's got a beauty all it's own. Well, and having some boobs for a few months doesn't hurt my ego. Even though I know it's temporary and soon they will be a droopy shadow of the valiant A cup they once were, I enjoy while I can.

So here's the update:

I am 31 weeks and 2 days. We did make our weekly pilgrimage to the hospital on Monday night due to some cramping I was having that overall had no effect on the big C (cervix) and stopped on its own while being monitored. We went home late Monday night and the rest of the week has been very uneventful. Brooks is off school for the next two weeks so our live-in help (or shall I say Angel -mother in law Annetta) gets a little reprieve from trying to be Grandma. and disciplinarian, and care-taker of prego lady, and home maker for a little while.... hopefully...

Our little P-bear is hanging in there. As well as can be expected of a two year old. I think she has a few more tantrums than normal - no doubt due to the fact that her life has NOT been normal for some time now. She doesn't probably even remember what "normal" is. Her mommy sure misses "normal". Her normal conversations with me now go something like this:

"Are you resting?", "Are you going to the hospital/doctor?", "Did you eat your lunch?". Then she'll tell me what she had for lunch and ask to open another door on the advent calendar (which contains M&M's among other, apparently not so exciting, trinkets). She's also still working on potty training, which may be attacked more aggressively these two weeks while Brooks is home - we'll see. No rush I guess..... Other than cost, I don't see it as a huge bummer to have two kids in diapers.

So that's life right now. Hopefully it remains "uneventful" through Christmas.

I wish everyone a magical Christmas full of Joy, Laughter and thin faces. :)

30 weeks!

Update: This ended up being another "hospital week". I went in Monday night for increased contractions that essentially did not change my cervix overall and slowed back to "normal" without any further intervention. I was in for two nights total and back home on Wednesday when we hit our 30 week mark!



You know you've been to the hospital too much when:

- One of the doctors in the practice tells you the same joke he told you a month ago

(" Sterile is Latin for cold! Hahaha!" - it was cute the first time.....)



-Your vagina has seen more action then when you were trying to get pregnant, and not the fun kind of action.



- you can set up the contraction monitor and fetal monitor yourself.



-You know half the nurses' life stories and are asking how their kid's soccer game last week went.



- When you leave they all wave, smile and say, "see ya in a week or two!!".



- you no longer get impatient when waiting on the doctor, nurse, lab, food etc. It's just the way it is in the hospital.



- you can read ultrasounds yourself



- you're surprised when you're put into a room you haven't had before



Yes we've been in and out a lot. 5 times now I think. We've had some amazing nurses and are always pleased with the doctors we've had - even the one who must have gone to "Strawberry Shortcake University" as Brooks pondered. We have heard lots of positive encouraging stories and each time we leave we are again encouraged that we can DO THIS. One of the most amazing stories we heard last time was of a Chinese patient who came in, full term, in labor and 7 cm dilated. Those of you who have been through this know that when you're 7cm you're on the home stretch and there is NO stopping that freight train. This woman declared that she was NOT having this baby yet. She wanted her child to be born under a different Chinese sign, which did not change for another day and a half. That amazon (no typo here, I mean AMAZON ...and amazing...) woman held off delivery of that child for a day and a half with NO medicinal intervention. She had her child born under her terms. Freakin' amazing.



I COULD make it to 36 or 37 weeks. It COULD be done. The doctors all warn us how unlikely it is, which is their job. But thanks to that nurse that gave us renewed hope for our dream of a full term baby and renewed faith in the power of positive thinking. In my experience being a good nurse is more that putting in an IV without the patient screaming, spewing out medical info, or helping to deliver babies. It involves something much more important than that. It involves delivering hope to those who need it.



So here we are, 6 weeks after our first scary hospital visit. 6 more WEEKS we've made. I think that's pretty good. And 6 more? We could do it and if we don't we'll still be ok. But here's to hope, again. And to those nurses, thanks, and we'll see ya next time.....



Oh and here's a recent pic of our beauty queen putting pigtails in her great grandpa's hair. :)

A Good week...

This was a good week. My doctor's appointment went well. My cervix length actually increased compared to the week before. I guess this bed rest gig works.... My mom came to visit again, always good for the soul. She and Brooks got our Christmas decorations up and Christmas spirit has descended once again. Also this week I had a dream of our baby (it was a boy this time) and he was healthy and quite advanced developmentally as he was a newborn sitting on his own and understanding everything I told him. I tend to buy into my dreams a lot. I think they have a lot of meaning. Not necessarily predictive value, (although who knows?) but they do allow you to get back to what makes up your constitution. I am at heart an optimist. One who sometimes loses heart, but my dreams are not letting me forget who I am and how I look upon life as a general rule. I'll be 30 weeks on Wednesday and THAT is huge (as am I).

Piper is starting to "get" some things about Christmas. "Daddy made Christmas!" by putting lights up in the house and putting the tree up. She recognizes Santa. We have not visited him yet but are hoping to. She's been educated all about Rudolph and Frosty. I can't wait to do the milk and cookies thing, the Santa present thing and sing carols. Christmas as a child is so simple, magical and beautiful. We as adults make it so stressful. This is a good year for me to let all that stress go and just enjoy the beauty of the season. Then try to hold on to that and remember it for next year. Remember to celebrate the magic that is so apparent to children. Look out the window expecting to see a flashing red light and KNOW that it's Rudolph. Enjoy all the little surprises life brings. Eat the cookies and milk. Believe that my dreams can come true.

Learning to knit

So I have some time on my hands and am learning to knit. What will become of this project, you may ask? Well, as with most things these days, that depends. It could be a hot pad or a baby blanket. It depends on how long I remain pregnant!

The conversations around the house now go something like this:
"If you're still pregnant when blahdittyblah....."
or
"If the baby's here when blahdittyblah..." Hotpad or baby blanket? One of life's great unanswered questions.
Besides learning to knit, this period of life is teaching us all to let go of what we cannot control. It's a lesson we've learned only after several head bashing experiences. "If we get the stitch we will make it to full term!" BAM..... hotpad.
It's not that we shouldn't stay positive and hope for the best. We're just realizing that what really happens is mostly out of our control. This realization isn't depressing, it's actually a blessing. A way to survive. I am no longer going to bed each night saying to myself "I WILL make it to 37 weeks, I WILL make it to 37 weeks." I now go to bed saying "I did all I could today to keep this baby inside for one more day. And today, it worked." We may make it to a baby blanket yet, but it'll be stitch by stitch, day by day.
My mom has always told me to let go of worrying about the things I can do nothing about. I always agreed with her that it was an intelligent thing to do. But I never really figured out how to do it. Out of necessity, I now have it figured out. I guess some things you need time and experience to really learn. Most of us aren't born knowing how to "let go". Those of us who are are special and very happy people early on in life.
I still have pictures of full term, happy, healthy, chubby babies up on my "vision board". I am still hoping to fulfill that dream of spending the first night of my baby's life with him or her next to me, not in the NICU, and taking him or her home the next day. Those moments I didn't get with Piper. But I need to approach this so as not to feel like a failure. I need to feel sucess each day, even if it's a small triumph. Baby steps to a baby blanket.....

28 Weeks?!

Sometimes I feel like I've been dreaming this all. I'm not a pregnant human, I'm actually a pregnant elephant whose gestational period is 22 months. There's no way this has only been 28 weeks of my life. I'm handling the bed rest ok, it's the constant up and down of my status that makes this drag on. My stitch, the thing that was gonna hold it all together, slipped out. What? I had such confidence in this thin piece of string. It didn't hurt, I didn't bleed, I didn't know it happened - which my high risk OB has only seen happen a couple of times in his long career. I'm So Proud to be the third added to his list. So last night as I was sitting in the hospital (again), after what was left of the stitch was taken out (THAT I felt), I was thinking. All these failings of my physical body, these failings that were I to live in a different age would leave me childless, are making me stronger.

It wasn't as difficult with Piper. This all happened later in the pregnancy, she was healthy and thrived and I didn't have a little one at home to worry about while I was trying to bring her safely into the world. Well, life with 2 children is different, from the start apparently. This experience is the epitome of motherhood with two children, I would guess. The splitting of my soul without becoming less of a mother to either child. A "two-fer" if you will: Two mom's for one. A cloning of my soul. Or maybe just one soul with 2 gigantic arms. Am I right? I don't know. But I can't help but feel I will be better prepared for motherhood of two when this one gets here than I would be if I didn't have these "incompetencies" (as in "incompetent" cervix - love that term). At least in theory....We'll see. :)

So we will continue on our journey, trying to keep staying positive, but with caution. I'm tired of being let down by my body, honestly. I'm tired of it taking me by surprise. But my little peanut inside of me kicks me now and then to remind me to stop feeling sorry, it'll all be worth it and to remind me that I've overcome my body's failings for 4 big weeks now and I can hang on a little longer.